Intriguing (adj) 1. "Arousing interest or curiosity"
The "Society For The Advancement Of Unintriguing People" takes a publicity hit each year when People Magazine publishes its "25 Most Intriguing People Of The Year" issue. "The general public seems to revel in the accomplishments and personalities of exciting actors, athletes, everyday heroes and celebrities," says spokesman Phillip Michael Thomas, "while people in our culture who arouse little if any interest or curiosity are rarely recognized for their efforts."
Thomas also criticized "the conspicuously well-funded and politically motivated list written by the otherwise unintriguing-friendly People Magazine - in which their authors plagiarized most of copyrighted list for their factually inaccurate definition of an 'intriguing person' - has served as motivation for us to go public with our projections for the 25 Least Intriguing People of the upcoming year. We hope that, by celebrating people who staunchly refuse to arouse interest or curiosity in others, we will further our goals and eventually live in a world devoid of intrigue."
Though the nominations were open to all "members of this godforsaken planet," said Thomas, all projected winners happen to be celebrities in one form or another.
The Top Ten are listed here, with nominees 11-25 listed at the end.
#10 Demi Moore
According to one insider, "mental illness is normally very intriguing, but Demi Moore makes it extremely. . .well, not very intriguing, that is for sure." Getting divorced from Bruce Willis was less of an intrigue bombshell than Ms. Moore had feared, and the intriguingly bad movie G.I. Jane has nearly vanished from the memory of pop culture pundits. Never a woman to pass on making the world "just a little less intriguing," Ms. Moore's continued service to her cause has won her many high ranking fans on the nominating committee.
#9 Al Gore
One thing is for sure. Al Gore's campaign slogan: "An Unintriguing Man Is What You Need As Your President" has a great ring to it. In fact, if there is one thing less intriguing than the 'Mild Mannered Al Gore' character that Mr. Gore has played during his years as "Al" on The Bill Clinton Show, it is the awe-inspiringly unintriguing 'Full-Of-Piss-And-Vinegar Incumbent' character that Mr. Gore is playing on The I Have No Chance Of Being President Despite Every Conceivable Advantage Show. Hey - if Presidents were meant to be intriguing, they would not have invented The Skanky White House Internship Program, right?
#8 Howard Stern
After an intriguing year in which Stern saw his marriage collapse and his television show sink into the late-night swamp, Stern is poised to achieve his potential for unintriguing behavior this year. "Crap jokes and juvenile sex humor are by no means intriguing, but the controversy surrounding his act has always prevented him from making a dent on this list," says one observer. "As his audience erodes, he will find himself climbing this list. He needs to be patient."
#7 Whoopi Goldberg
Whoopi Goldberg makes the list for the tenth year in a row. Once believed to a fluke in the world of unintriguing people,("Jumpin' Jack Flash was just beginners luck," snarled one insider in 1986), Ms. Goldberg has become something of a legend, now serving as a de-facto spokeswoman for unintriguing persons everywhere as center sqaure on Hollywood Squares
#6 Kevin Costner
If you are chartering a plane filled with the least intriguing people of all time, Kevin Costner is destined to be riding first class. Though he lost a few points from voters with a nearly intriguing campaign to keep a full frontal nudity shot in his movie For The Love Of The Game, the movie was "under-appreciated, classically unintriguing work" according to one veteran voter, "and heck, you can not keep a man like Kevin Costner off a list he practically invented."
#5 Nicole Kidman
Unlike amateurish celebrities who lack that certain "je ne veux pas" - Julianne Moore, Julianna Margulies and Julia Child - Nicole Kidman is the full package. Her acting is inert, her career is in a remarkably cozy rut, and her image appears on unintriguing magazine covers all over the world. A happy accident, you say? No way, we say. She's a natural.
