1. How to make me cry in the morning: Nina Simone covering "Here Comes the Sun".

2. How to make me act the fool: take me to a party where there's a six year old boy who needs some wrasslin'.

3. How to make me feel really good: take me to a family gathering on new years' day and let your sister introduce me to everyone as your girlfriend.

4. How to make me feel luxuriously pleased with myself: become obsessed with BtVS and watch it with me non-stop for several days.

5. How to make me purr with pleasure: (that information remains on a need-to-know basis).

6. How to make me feel guilty and tender: call me at 2 am so that I can video chat with pseudonymous kid, who is begging me to come home because he's really, really sick.

7. How to make me feel confirmed in my life choices: text me after I've sung pseudonymous kid to sleep from 700 miles away to tell me that I look great, you hope I'm having lots of great sex, and you hope I'm happy, and that pseudonymous kid will feel better tomorrow and I shouldn't worry about him.

8. How to spoil me rotten: let me sleep 'til noon, then make me coffee, eggs, and pepper bacon for breakfast.

9. How to get me to form a wicked plot: leave Sunday open with a corset, stockings, and super fantastic shoes squirreled away in my luggage.

10. How to silently say you love me: take luxurious, tender care of me and lift my spirits even though you're feeling pretty down yourself.