Marriage, Divorce, and Armchair Shrinks

(Really Nifty Image by Dim Undercellar)
"Oh I'm so sorry"
"Did you try to save it?"
"Oh the poor children!"
"That's just too bad, what happened?"

I've heard them all, every damn one of them. Why is it that when people know I'm divorcing, they immediately become counselors? They inevitably ask me "What happened?” They suddenly believe they have a right to all the juicy tidbits that went on in the marriage. If I provide them with accounts of horrific abuse they nod solemnly and decide that I'm a special case and they can allow themselves to continue to think I'm an upstanding member of society.

This is a phenomenon I have wanted to post about for awhile and in light of my current situation I decided that I'd bite the bullet and push the post about biology to the back burner in favor of this one.

What is with these folks who ask me the "Why's?" Invariably these are also the people who, at other times, like to talk too loudly at work about how divorces are "too easy", or say things like, "Ya know, my sister-in-law just up and divorced my brother one day. He never did anything wrong. She's such a bitch."

Why is it that women who divorce have this enormous pressure to excuse themselves? God forbid you're someone who just happened to fall out of love with an otherwise good guy. You're the worst sort of harlot who is most certainly infested with a selfishness that runs so deep you will never, ever be a productive member of society. No Ma'am, if you're divorcing you better have a mighty good reason to do so, and you'd best be willing to scream that reason from the rooftops or to any stranger whom you happen to meet.

When I initially kicked my husband out there were tons of questions, many from people who never knew me, at least one who happened to overhear a conversation in a restaurant and decided to offer me their condolences. Damn, I didn't even get condolences from strangers when my grandmother died, but a divorce, now THAT'S a good reason to jump in and ask someone, "What happened?"

Condolences abound and if I, in my naivety, say something like, "No. No condolences needed, it was my decision to end it" I am granted an icy stare that says, quite openly, that I shouldn't be so flippant about the ending of a marriage.

Then they 'politely' insist upon 'giving' their condolences anyway, "Well, it's still sad" they offer and then, as proof of their position, "It must be very hard on the kids".

If I continue to defend myself from these polite-conversational-but-not-so-polite-and-conversational attacks by saying, "No, the kids are doing great". They then insist that the kids could not possibly be doing great by offering some other bit of worldly advice like, "Well, kids get very upset when their parents divorce".

This verbal assault goes on and on until I cede to their point and admit that my kids were destroyed, that I was destroyed and that my life is now empty and worthless before breaking into a rousing round of sobs begging them to tell me that there is life after divorce. (Well, ok, I’ve never done that, but I've always wondered if it would shut them up if I did)

Everyone, the utility companies, acquaintances, people on message boards, they all act as though I owe them some sort of explanation. All look at me with a concerned stare which threatens to turn into condemnation if I don't supply the 'proper' answer. And you know what? I don't. For all my unabashed openness here on this blog about my marriage I'm not generally willing to tell anyone in real life about the same stuff. My answer is always, "It just didn't work out", or "We just couldn't be together".

This answer always disappoints and almost always the cautious look of reserved judgment turns into a quiet confirmation, indicating that the person wearing the face had just decided that, "Yes indeedy, this one's a whore". Apparently I'm expected to expose all the gory details of my 10 year marriage to any Tom, Dick, or Jane who happens to be curious.

Hell, if people had been that concerned about the behind-closed-doors life of my marriage before the divorce then I expect that more police reports would have been filed. But no, everyone is concerned about the marriage after the divorce.

I don't tell anyone I meet about why I'm divorced, but in so doing I alienate people who believe that one must have a good reason to divorce (and they get to be the judge). If I'm not willing to talk about the things that happened in my marriage then I am evidently not worthy of a hall pass and I fall into the rank and file of women who just, "Gave up at the first sign of trouble" or who, "Just up and left him one day after 10 years".

The odd thing is that I've never met one of these women. In fact, in all my talking to all the women I meet I've never heard one say, "You know what? I just woke up one morning and decided that I was bored and thought, OH, I know what I'll do! I'll go through the long and lengthy process of a divorce! Yeah, likely losing my house, meeting the X at the lawyer’s office, forking over at least $800 for a divorce, standing in court and being judged the rest of my life sounds like great big bouncy fun!" No, I think that these women who just "Gave up at the slightest sign of trouble" are like pink unicorns, mythical, and while they give us comfort that they may be out there, it doesn't make them any more real.

I suspect that there's many women out there who are labeled as just "running off with another man after being married for 12 years" when in reality, they were trapped in abusive or loveless marriages and walked out after getting a bit of courage from their co-workers. It is very convenient however, to be able to push the reality of divorce away. Self-sanctimony does leave a nice warm feeling in ones belly when one believes that they are better, more moral and more worthy members of society.

And of course there's a rub, this is the part that pisses me off so badly I can barely see straight. If you give them what they want, if you give them the dirty little details that they were starving for all along, then it definitely becomes your fault.

When the divorce Nazis come rolling in with their self-important stares and their big, pointy and suitably pious counselor hats and say, "Oh, that's too bad, what happened?" and you tell them that you stayed in a marriage from hell for 10 years living beneath the hand of a dictator they say, "Wow, why did you stay so long?". Or, "Wow, wasn't there any signs?" or "Wow, I could never put up with that! I would've left him the minute he did X"

I'll divulge right now that I have come closer than I would like to admit to ripping out the tongues of people like this. When they stare at me in their self-important innocence, their eyes sparkling for the dirty little details of my marriage, I want to rip their heads off. Of course, these folks have inevitably never actually been in a manipulative, abusive marriage but they sure are the god-granted experts on them. It's a bit like a man saying, "If I was pregnant I wouldn't have an abortion." Sure ya wouldn't, buddy. They get me both ways. Either I’m a whore who didn’t try hard enough, or a sucker who tried too hard.

Why? That's the question I want answered today. Why shouldn't I be flip about the ending of a marriage? Why do the circumstances surrounding the divorce mean anything at all? What if I had just fallen out of love with my husband? Is that not enough? Why should anyone, anywhere have to be held accountable and scrutinized beneath the light of an interrogators bulb when they divulge that they have been divorced? I mean, seriously, how many of you are cringing right now at the flippant way I talk about it?

So you didn't get along, so what? So, you divorced a great guy because you just didn't love him anymore, so what? Why this interrogation? Why the fear and the animosity and self-sanctimonious stares? Why the questions, why the constant threats that the kids are falling apart? Make no mistake about it, when they yank out the kid-gun and point it at you as they say, "Wow, it must be so hard on the children” they are, without a doubt, telling you that you hurt your kids when they cite statistics and carry on about how difficult it is on the children and how they never recover they are admonishing your decision to step outside the box and end a marriage that, for whatever reason, wasn't working.

Of course, if you say that you "Stayed together for the sake of the children" it also doesn't fly. Everyone knows you never stay together for the sake of the kids! It's blasphemous to even suggest it, however, when you don't stay together for the sake of the kids you have to have it held over your head just how horribly you've hurt them, just how much your failure affected them.

Guess what? I've found that kids are resilient little buggers. They get over it, they really, honest to gods do. My kids are currently happier, healthier and more alive than they've ever been before. And THAT is in the face of the crap I've outlined in other posts, the way their father wouldn't let go, the stress he put us through, the way he told my youngest son that he would commit suicide if he didn't talk me into taking daddy back. After all this horseshit they are STILL well-adjusted, happy kids. I can only imagine that in a sane divorce the kids would be even better able to 'get over it'.

No, I suspect that the kid card is just another way to make women feel like shit. We always hear how many children are "Tragically growing up in single-mother households" and how "horrible" that is. Of course, these same people never bother to give us numbers of the men out there who father children and who are "Tragically living single lives". No, the "tragedy" is with the mothers.

These same people are also the ones that just loooove citing how "Biology forces men to be unfaithful" and, if that were the case and if men are just designed to not be committed doesn't that also tell us that the natural state of family is to be raised in single mother households? I mean, seriously, if men have always been cheating and "spreading their seed" that means that women have always been raising children alone, so what's the big deal?

On another note, is it morbid curiosity that turns otherwise decent human beings into communist interrogators? Is it some sort of societal stigma that allows people to think that giving me trial by question and answer is a fair and just thing to do? What is behind this high and mighty morality that allows for people to say things like, "Divorce should be much harder to get!" Why, for the love of god, is marriage so frigging important in this society?

Why must I provide a court sanctioned passport as a Get out of Jail Free card?

In this society we have to defend ourselves when we divorce. We must provide appropriate reasons for our divorce, and I want to know why this is! What is so wonderful about an institution that traps women and gives men complete access to his wife, a license to rape, a license to beat, a license to own another person? What is so wonderful about this particular contract that it receives any more scrutiny than if I decided to end my cell phone contract? How in the world can we justify an institution that causes so much damage? I mean, I guess I get why men would want to 'protect marriage' they're by and large, the biggest beneficiaries of the institution, but women? Why in the world do they want to protect it with all the ferocity of a mother bear protecting her cubs?

Now, when I hear people talking about how easy divorce is, I step up and say,” It should be WAY easier." I constantly say that what I would like to see is a 4 year marriage. Just like my cell phone, "I promise to be with you for 4 years, and then we have to have a look at our contract again and decide if we want to continue."

If people are really serious about cutting the divorce rates then let's bring out a new institution of marriage that allows for any of the parties to get out after 4 years or to renew their contract as they see fit. I think it's a fabulous idea, of course, I'm a tad biased because it's my idea, but still, it seems to me that it'll solve a lot of problems with the current situation.

It seems to me that a 4-year marriage contract would be a great idea. It would solve so many problems that we have now. First of all, the spouse couldn't really do an about face after the "I do's" because they’ll have to do it all over again in 4 years and if the wife/husband doesn't want you because you turned into a shithead, well, you're sacrificing that piece of ass you bought and paid for.

It would also solve a lot of the problems with debt. After 4 years you'd have to be spending quite a bit to rack up some serious debt. Maybe we'd see the bankruptcy numbers go down a bit as well.

There doesn't appear to be any drawbacks other than the protection an asshole has if they manage to con their spouse into marriage and then turn into an asshole. Hell, I can't keep a cell phone contract for life, why in the hell would I want to promise to keep another person for life?

Of course, the naysayer’s don't really want to cut divorce rates, if they did then there wouldn't be these shocked looks on their faces when I suggest the 4-year marriage. What they want is for people to go back to living the way they did 40 years ago and to just be happy with it. Although, that's a bit inaccurate; what they want is for women to go back to living like they did 40 years ago. It wasn't until some of the social stigma for women began wearing off that divorce rates skyrocketed. When women were able to decide that they wanted a divorce, the rates shot way the hell up there. Apparently women aren't as thrilled with marriage as their husbands are, and it should come as no surprise when the institution of marriage allows for so many abuses.

Up to 85% of divorces are filed by women....Ouch, that's a lot of women getting fed up, isn't it? BTW, it's amusing to me that I found this number on a “men's rights” page, where, of course, they said that it's the women who are ruining the home because they're the ones filing for divorce. Oddly, I see it a bit differently. I see the 85% number as a bunch of women who are mad-as-hell-and-not-gonna-take-it-anymore. (I also found the number in a science journal though, so at least they've got it right)

In any case, it wasn't until women began to be able to get divorces that the numbers shot up. That seems like it should tell those people who say, "Divorces are just too common nowadays" a little something. After women were allowed to decide that they didn't like their lives, a strange thing happened: they decided to end their marriages. After women were given the ability to use their voices in protest, the numbers of divorces shot up and 85% of divorces filed were filed by women.

So, to me, it seems apparent that those who are touting the 'Save Marriage!' bit and screaming, "Divorce is too easy to get!" are really just pissed off because women are leaving marriages. Women are saying they want something better; women, all over the U.S., are making their voices heard and it should come as no surprise that the backlash (a result of the Octopus of the Patriarchy having one of its limbs pried off) is focused on women.

It's a terrifying thought to the institution of The Patriarchy that women can get divorced at will and that they can grow and thrive alone. Without a man. Therefore, we must make victims of the men. We must show that women are harlots and whores who run away from perfectly wonderful guys because they're selfish little bitches that think only of themselves. Of course they are, look at what they're doing to the children, think of the children. They're acting so selfishly that they would put their children through hell just so they can sleep with their flame-of-the-week.

They point to single mothers and the divorce rate which is supposedly caused by women and they pat themselves on the back for being such vocal and supportive advocates of a system that keeps women in their place, that place being marriage.

To me there is also a correlation between the bankruptcy stats and the divorce stats. It seems that more women than men file bankruptcy, just as more women than men file for divorce. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what the hell this is all about. Hell, I look at my own situation, stack it up against the other women I’ve met, have a look at the raw numbers and make the tentative observation that women are being shafted in more ways than one. Women are being punished for walking out of marriages, for being so uppity that they think they have a right to file for divorce and then, they’re being given too many bills to keep up with.

Of course, we still have states that split all of the bills right down the middle, which is a really efficient way of screwing the women who file. A woman who has had to take time off of work to have and raise kids is going to have far less earning potential than the man who has never had to take a day off for any such thing. Of course, she’ll get saddled with HALF the debt, even if her earning potential is a quarter of his and of course, that’s fair because we all know those women were nasty, cheating whores who don’t care about the children.

Now, I'm not trying to bash marriage in general. Well, ok, maybe I am bashing marriage in general, but only in the way it's practiced. The whole, "For life" bit, the whole idea that women are not complete without marriage, without a man having access to them at all times, is what I'm railing against.

I'm railing against the people who believe they have some inherent right to know why I divorced. I'm railing against the people who continue to tell women, women who many times have been through more hell than can be imagined, that they're hurting their kids by divorcing. I'm railing against an institution that began as slavery and, in many ways, has not moved from that position through the years. I'm railing against any woman having to make an oath to be with any given man until they die.

Yep, I say that the 4-year marriage is the way to go. All marriages should begin with a 4-year trial period to be renewed upon the agreement of both parties. That would actually empower women and that, of course, is a ludicrous idea. Who knows, maybe someday there will be a 4-year marriage and I want it to be called the "BB marriage"

~Biting Beaver