Ask Dim: Dim Answers Your Questions About Male Entitlement

Dear Dim,
Is there any proper way for a male to approach/interact with a woman he does not know in public?

The very fact that this question is even asked is evidence of male privilege and a sense of entitlement.

This question, re-phrased, is "There IS a way you MUST find acceptable for me to try and initiate a conversation leading to sexual contact with any woman I come across in my daily life, because I am entitled to such access. If you say there is not, then you are obviously insane and extremist and can be ignored, because, again, I am inherently entitled to what you are trying to deny me. So you're obviously not trying to change the system of dominance and entitlement, because that would be stupid and hysterical; I will assume that you must, instead, be simply asking to negotiate a different set of rules on top of the same game. I will entertain that notion, and if the rules are sufficiently easy to follow and nonrestrictive, I will attempt to follow them and feel good about myself for being 'feminist'. But if it results in too many barriers to my sexual entitlement, I will write you off as some sort of shrill cretin who hates men. Now present your terms."

The truth is, and if holding to it makes us radical cretins, then so be it, that the only "appropriate" way to approach a strange woman in public and begin a conversation with her is the same way you would approach a strange man in public and begin a conversation with him.

...what was that? You don't do that? You limit your interaction with strange males to asking store associates for information on the latest DVD release and gas station attendants for last night's winning lotto numbers? How many times have you tried to initiate a drawn-out friendly conversation with a man in Wal-Mart in the hopes of sparking a lifelong friendship?

Hmm. Let's explore this a little bit more.

As guys, let's do a little thought experiment. Let's imagine a strange man coming up to us in Wal-Mart. He could be big or small, creepy or clean-cut, whatever tickles your fancy. Average guy. He comes up to you and uses some item in your cart as a thin pretense to begin a conversation.

"Oh, you have a dog? What kind of dog do you have?"

For one thing, this is highly unusual for guys. For another thing, you get the feeling that he's got some ulterior motive to his query since there are many MANY people in the "pets" aisle with dog food in their cart, some of them even female. Why is he interested in YOUR dog?

Let's assume you answer him. You tell him your dog is a Boxer/Retriever/Blue Heeler/Eukanuba Champion Dogue de Bordeaux/whatever. Instead of having his curiosity satisfied, he asks you more questions. They're not even informational questions like "How do you train for the Eukanuba tournament?" or "What kind of food is best?"

Instead, he asks you how long you've had the dog, and tells you about his dog, and asks if you have kids or a wife and what town you live in and basically tries clumsily to intermix requests for personal information with idle "small talk", like some kind of shy job interviewer.

Hell, even if the conversation doesn't veer into the personal realm (and it always does), he just keeps talking to you, and following you around and talking to you. All friendly, all cheerful, all polite, but he's... talking to you. And, again, you wonder why he picked you. He doesn't know you from Adam, lots of people had the same kind of items in their cart that you did, so what does he WANT from you?

There's the key. What does he WANT from you? He obviously wants something, but what is it?

How does this make you feel? Nervous? Uncomfortable? Maybe even a little frightened? If you knew his intention was to get your phone number and ask you on a date if the answers to his personal questions were acceptable, would you be flattered?

And, the important question, if you wouldn't want a man doing it to you, what makes you think a woman wants you doing it to her?

"But Dim!" you cry indignantly, "I'm not gay, so of COURSE I don't want men to come up and try to chat me up, because I don't want to have sex with men!"

Oh, you may not have said it quite like that, but any reference to how the sexuality of the conversation participants makes a relevant difference boils down to the same thing.

The fact is, a gay man is just as likely to pick, at random, another gay man to chat up in Wal-Mart as a straight man is to pick, at random, a woman who wants to go on a date/have sex with him. But you’re far less understanding of the gay man trying to pick up other men at Wal-Mart.

Unless you believe that all women obviously want to go on dates with strange men and/or have sex with them, that is, and are just waiting for strange men to offer. Then you might think your odds are pretty good.

It's very hypocritical of men to try to use "Homophobic rage" as a defense to murder a gay man who made an unsolicited pass at a straight man, then turn around and say women should be flattered that strange men are making unsolicited passes at them. The ONLY possible justification for that mindset is the belief that all women want to have sex with any man, so there's really no such thing as an unsolicited or unwelcome sexual advance.

We understand that a man would feel uncomfortable by a gay man propositioning him, because we understand he may not want to have sex with that man. We don't understand that a woman would feel uncomfortable (rather than flattered) by a man propositioning her, because we don't seem to understand that she may not want to have sex with that man.

But men, even well-meaning men, seem to feel they have an entitlement to approach strange women and strike up conversations with dates/sex in mind. They ask feminists questions like the one at the start of this post, to try and feel out how much of that entitlement is threatened and to what extent it is safe.

It also pure male privilege, because only the dominant class can make this sort of approach; women do not feel entitled to do so, and do not. Giving up the "right" to start "friendly" conversations with strange women in Wal-Mart is a very concrete example of giving up some of your male privilege.

However, you notice that at the beginning of this post I also said that there IS an acceptable way to approach strange women in public and begin conversations with them. That acceptable way, you may remember, is the same way you would approach another man.

That is to say, without a pursuit of intimate particulars as an ulterior motive. And if you truly drop that ulterior motive, you'll find yourself chatting lightly with other men, too, rather than just women. Because if your goal is simply social interaction, rather than sex, then anyone can help you get it, not just women. But the women you DO interact with will probably be much friendlier, less nervous, and less anxious to get away.

(As a side note, I can only imagine that the most harrowing, stressful, legal job for a woman is a gas station cashier. Strange men coming in and out in a constant stream, all wanting to talk to you, all staring at you, all asserting dominance over you, almost all making passes at you in some form or another, and you can't get away for 8 hours. The thought is truly horrifying.)

So, to give a firm and hopefully final answer to the question asked at the top of this post: Is there any proper way for a male to approach/interact with a woman he does not know in public?

Yes. The proper way for a male to approach/interact with a woman in public he does not know is the same way he would approach/interact with a man in public he does not know. To wit: as a human being rather than a potential sexual partner.

And now, a fun little mini-FAQ:

Q: "But that takes all the fun out of it! If I can't ask for a date or maybe hope to get a phone number, what's the point?"

A: And THAT is male sexual entitlement in arguably its barest form. What is the point, indeed, of talking to a woman, if not to seek sex?

Q: "Well how am I supposed to meet potential partners, then, if I can't have the goal of a date in mind when I talk to them?"

A: How many are you meeting that way now? Are you saying that sometimes your lame pickup lines/job interviews actually work?

But more to the point, what's wrong with trying to strike up a genuine friendship with a woman, without sex as an ultimate goal? Are women unworthy of friendship if you can never have sex with them? Is that the only function of a woman, to be your sexual partner? What's wrong with striking up a real friendship first, and seeing where that goes, without trying to push it, at every opportunity, to sex?

Q: "You're just saying I should never want sex, and biology says I need to want sex, so you're crazy and stupid!" (and no, that's NOT a far-fetched response from men who simply don't get it)

Nobody ever said that, unless you mean saying "Women have some other value beyond sex" equates to "You should never want to have sex".

YOU have some other value beyond sex, but the people who value you for those things without necessarily ever wanting sex from you still like sex and want sex. Women who would never sleep with you still like sex. Friendship and sex are not exclusionary.

To put it simply: women are human beings worthy of respect and friendship, they are not merely passive receptacles for your sexual desires. If saying "Be friends with women, without racing for sex, and maybe eventually you'll find a wonderful life partner" is the same as saying "Stop wanting sex and cut your penis off, then maybe we'll like you," then you have more problems than any blog post can ever help you with.

I suspect I missed lots and lots of typical protestations that come from men when you tell them that women are worth something even if they're not sleeping with you, and that they are entitled to human dignity and respect whether or not they desire you, but I just woke up a couple hours ago. I'm sure I'll be able to add more, as I'm sure they'll show up in the "Comments" section.

Comment away!
~Dim